Hazel’s First Birthday – Rainbows and Unicorns

Last week, I hinted at me trying to experience all the emotions of motherhood and trying not to become numb to some. All of the feelings of Hazel’s pregnancy were coming back at me full force since it was her birth week. And one of the first feelings I had when I found out I was pregnant with her was guilt. I had JUST had a miscarriage. I got pregnant two weeks after I had a DNC. Of course I wanted to be pregnant again. I wanted a baby. But…I wanted the baby I had lost. I wanted the baby that used to be growing in me. I felt so guilty to already be pregnant. I felt so guilty that I didn’t want it to be the new baby (Hazel). I felt guilty of one day loving the new baby. I felt guilty about everything. I didn’t want the baby I had lost to think she was replaceable. I felt numb to the fact that I was pregnant. Yes…I was SO excited. I’m not going to downplay that. But there was also all the internal voices going on inside that were eating me alive. I was still crying nightly from losing our baby on Mother’s Day. How could I also experience happiness?

I didn’t let myself get attached to Hazel until we had her anatomy scan. We found out that she was perfect. And then we had a gender reveal to find out we were having another girl! I started to slowly let myself begin to love her. But if I’m being honest, I tried hard not to love her as well. I couldn’t bear losing another baby I loved so dearly. (You can read my miscarriage story here.)

And then, I had the most amazing birth experience with Hazel. Four short hours of of contractions, and then a couple pushes, and she was on my chest. Our answered prayer. Our little rainbow. I was so overcome with joy. All the love I hadn’t let myself feel for the past nine months was all a sudden overflowing. I couldn’t believe she was real, and we were holding our second precious girl. February 17th. It will forever be her birthday and the day our promise was delivered. Our rainbow. The Lord’s promise that he was protecting us and His promise to restore our family from grief.

And this past weekend, we celebrated little Hazel Marigold turning one! One year went by so quickly. She has turned into the most opinionated, goofy, food-loving one year old I know! She’s provided more laughing with her antics over the past year than I thought was possible. The Lord knew we needed lots of laughs, and that’s what he gave us.

So, little Goldie’s first birthday party had to be all about rainbows…but we added in unicorns for good measure, of course! My in-laws came down from Maryland, my parents were here, and we had about 40 other guests in our home! It was such a great time. Much bigger than anticipated, but so many of these people that surrounded us and little Hazel had been there for us through our loss and all through Hazel’s first short year. So thankful to have a village helping us raise our little girls.

The week before Hazel’s birthday, every morning we practiced blowing out candles so she could nail her first birthday😜, but when she saw the candle on top of a CAKE, all the practice went out the window. She just went straight for the cake, being the foodie that she is.

I was so excited about her birthday party. We literally never have big parties at our house, (because you know…anxieties with messes) so I went all out for her party! And loved every second of it. Even the mess…I just let it be. I kept telling myself that the Dyson would just have a party after the party! And y’all…if you’re having a party soon, one hilarious thing to get for it is a Build a Head. (use code bah-8558 until 2/29 to receive one FREE 12×18 cutout!) We had 6 sent to us, and they were a hit! All the little Hazel faces were running around!

So thank you to all of our friends and family, near and far for supporting us through the news of the baby we lost and loving on our sweet rainbow baby since day one. Please don’t leave us now. The real hard stuff is just about to start 😂

Cake topper/ Cupcake toppers, Hazel is One banner, yarn tassel banner: Good News Lane

Felt Flower Garland: The Little Felt Shop

Headband: Belle and Blush

Romper: Rhett Tucker

Shoes: Mini Melissa

Balloon Arch, confetti, ONE balloon, and unicorn balloons: Ohh How Charming

Cookies: Sugar Mama Cookie Co.

Unicorn head, plates, straws, napkins, tablecloth: Target

My top: Apricot Lane – Charlotte

My necklace: Tassel Thief Co

Hazel Photo Heads: Build a Head (use code bah-8558 for one FREE 12×18 cutout until Feb 29th)

I Am Enough Blanket: Little and Luxe

And thank you for wearing the little birthday girl out ! It was a wave of sugar high and then she crashed for a few solid hours! The perks of a party, right!?