About a month ago, I reached out to a few of my followers and friends who said they too dealt with PPD, and asked them if they could write what it was like for them. This was written by someone I met through Instagram. Her name is Hannah, and she’s been so so sweet. When I first read what she sent me, I couldn’t stop crying, because it felt like I wrote it! She writes beautifully and explains her story so well.
I was just shy of 21 when I gave birth to my first child, and it was quite literally my dream come true. Since I was young I had always had the desire to be a wife and mother, more than anything else. But for me, at first, motherhood was devastating. The first few days after my daughter was born I felt a horrible guilt because that mother-daughter bond I expected didn’t come right away. I thought I must be the worst mother ever. I loved this baby, but not like a parent should, I thought. I just loved her like anyone would love any baby. After about three days my feelings changed, and I felt suddenly that if I was apart from her for even a moment we would both die. I had anxiety so strong that it still hurts to think of it. I remember the first time we left the house and went down the road to my mother in laws for dinner, and I cried all the way there because I was so sure that we would wreck with her in the back seat, yelling at my husband the whole way to slow down. I had barely slept since her birth, and family was holding her, telling me to rest, and I completely broke down because she was on the other side of the room, and that was just SO FAR. I didn’t think I could ever feel normal again, and truly believed I would be this afraid for the rest of my life, and never ever leave her side again, never sleep again, never eat again. I didn’t want to do anything but hold her, not realizing that I was suffocating myself. That’s when depression set in for me.
During those first couple months, I totally isolated myself. I was in a new town, my husband worked constantly, I didn’t have friends in the area, I was away from my mother for the first time in my life and everything was so scary. I barely ate, and my hormones were just bonkers. I didn’t take care of myself in any way, and I just thought that was normal.
When my midwife or a relative would ask how I was, I would lie and say that I was good. We were good. But really I spent most days weeping over how much I loved my baby and how hard it was to breastfeed and how tired I was and how alone I felt. It took time, but slowly it got a little easier. My hormones leveled out some. I made a couple friends. I’d get a few hours of sleep most nights.
When i was three months postpartum I conceived my second child and was so angry at myself. It was too much, too hard, I couldn’t do it I thought. I didn’t want to love another baby this much, when loving my first hurt so badly.
Through my next nine months of pregnancy I went through more depression, anxiety, feelings of inadequacy, and psychotic episodes where I didn’t sleep for weeks because even when my daughter was sleeping, I would physically hear her crying all night long. It took a long time and a lot of work on myself to start to get better. But the first step was really realizing that I wasn’t the only one going through this. I started being honest with the other young moms in my life about these thoughts and feelings and they would admit they had felt them too. I found great women online to follow and connect with who talked about how to balance life as a new mom. And slowly I started to feel human again.
I still have very rough days, sometimes rough weeks. But now I have some tools to help me.
I’ve made a list of some things that have really helped my health mentally and physically.
- getting out! For so long I thought being a stay at home mom meant I needed to stay at home. Isolation is a huge factor in pp depression I believe. Call up a friend, sibling or cousin, strap your babies in the car, and go get a coffee or tea.
- Stories!! it can be hard to hold a book to read with babies in your arms, but finding a podcast, docu-series, or audio book that sparks your imagination or makes you think can really help with the lonely and bored feelings when you’ve changed 60 diapers and folded 17 loads on laundry this week, and it’s only Monday
- Sunshine. Everyone has been told how crucial sunlight is for your mental health, but with babies, especially if you have more than one small baby at once, finding time to be in the sun can be hard to do. But even if it’s sitting in your rocker in front of an open window, or offering to take out the trash for your husband (and being very slow doing it..) it WILL make a difference in your mood.
- DHA. I didn’t take this after my first, but I’ve taken DHA daily after my second birth, and it’s made a huge difference for me. I can definitely tell when I’ve missed it for a day or two. https://
womensmentalhealth.org/posts/ fish-oil-and-postpartum- depression/ - Time away. Time away from your kids isn’t something all moms want, or even need. My mom always tells me how she never felt like she needed to get away. But some of us do! And that’s okay! I didn’t leave my daughter with anybody for more than a fraction of an hour til she was probably six months and that took a toll on me. Now with my son, when I feel extremely overwhelmed or anxious, I’ll get out with my husband for a couple hours for a movie or to eat, and come back feeling like a new woman. It’s worth it and makes me a better mother
- Forget the chores! The dishes won’t rot. You can wear the shirt with spit up again. Your husband doesn’t care if there are toys on the floor. It’s okay. Relax.
- Screen time. I refused to let myself watch tv when my daughter was born and I was so bored and lonely and felt like I was forgetting English. You’re not a bad mom for watching a movie while you breastfeed or fold clothes. The world won’t end. Relax!!!
My favorite podcasts that give me so much joy and such great advice for life and health during motherhood:
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/
Kristina
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